Dorothy Rosby
Contributing columnist
If you’re going to have guests show up at your home unannounced, they’ll ring the doorbell at precisely the moment you’ve finished putting a dozen pink Velcro rollers in your hair.
I won’t say how I know this, but I know it. And it proves once again that if Murphy’s Law applies to anything, it applies to appearance—at least it applies to my appearance. Vanity is pointless in the face of it.
But what follows are Dorothy’s Laws of Fashion, not Murphy’s Laws of Fashion. Murphy was a better dresser.
Dorothy’s Laws of Fashion
If Elvis really is alive and you’re dying to meet him, he will be at the grocery store the day you are shopping in a ragged pair of blue jeans and a tee shirt that says “Real Women Sweat!”
A good mousse will hold your hair in place for four hours; a good hairspray maybe six. But a ten-minute nap will put a kink in your hair that lasts until the next time you wash it.
The day you’re finally scheduled to have your hair cut in favor of a new style, your old hairdo will look better than it has in years.
There comes a time in everybody’s life, when there are more hairs in their drain than on their head.
No matter what your age, on the day you are scheduled to have your photo taken you will wake up with a pimple. If not a pimple, a cowlick. If not a cowlick, a chipped front tooth.
It will take you at least one hour and fifteen minutes to achieve the carefree, impetuous look you see in fashion magazines.
All styles look better on mannequins; many even look better on hangers.
The more you like the outfit, the more likely you are spill on it.
The more important the event, the greater the likelihood that someone will be wearing the same dress as you are. (And hers won’t have a spill on it.)
The more attractive the shoes, the more difficult they are to walk in.
The more stylish the purse, the less it will hold.
The day comes to all of us when we see better in bright light, but look better in dim light.
All of your coworkers will immediately notice what you did not: that you are wearing one blue shoe and one black shoe.
No matter how much of the product you use or how long you use it, you will never look like the model on the bottle.
No matter how lovely the lipstick, it will never look good on your teeth.
There was a time in your life when you were thinner than you are now—but you thought you were fat then too.
There will always be another fad diet, and it won’t work either.
Now matter how expensive or stylish the outfit, it loses something when the wearer is dragging a piece of toilet paper from his or her shoe.
Whether or not something comes back into style is not dependent at all on how attractive it was the first time around.
If it does come back into style, and you didn’t give it away twenty years ago, don’t get too excited. It won’t fit you anyway.
No matter how fashionable you think you look right now, your children will one day laugh at a picture of you. You might laugh too—but with less enthusiasm.
And finally, proof positive of the futility of vanity, the only scientifically confirmed Dorothy’s Fashion Law: Your eyes are always the same size from birth, but your nose and ears never stop growing! Why bother with Velcro rollers?