Rhonda Humble
Publisher
The newspaper’s email has always been full of Nigerian princes wanting to send money; we could have had billions by now if only we had replied or sent them the $200 they needed before processing the check.
Since COVID, we’ve been solicited from vendors and investors globally: Lativia, India, China. Many of them are not only of royal Nigerian blood, but also CEO’s and owners of large factories.
Neo Wang wants to sell us Precision CNC Machining parts. Not sure what we’d use them for, but he promises to have available: Jigs & Fixtures, Prototyping, MOQ:  No MOQ Max precision: +/- 0.005mm,. Wang is the marketing manager of Booger Mechanical Technology Co.,Ltd. Boogers? Why on Earth would we need Chinese fixtures to maintain boogers? No thanks. I have grandkids, don’t need no booger-makers from China.
Wang has a competitor: Mary Bai with Fortune Plastic & Electronic Co., Limited, says, “To the excellent partner, Have a nice day. We export 100% of steel part. Acquaintance is a kind of fate, Fortune mold factory maybe your right one chooses. Please let me know if you need us? Thank you in advance.”
A mold factory and an excellent partner? Now that one is enticing, but no address was included, darn it.
Unlike my prospective Chinese partners, India not only sells parts, but it promises the parts will make me merry.
“Jiashan powerful machinery co., ltd. a company dedicated to high quality tools which include automotive service equipment, motorcycle repair tools, lawn and garden tools, shop press, motorcycle lift, shop crane, engine stand, jack, We believe that a wide variety of tools provided by us will definitely make your life and work easier and merrier.”
So I don’t have to marry a Nigerian prince, just buy tools and be merrier. And I should “please feel free contact with me. Jack JIASHAN POWERFUL MACHINERY CO., LTD 18 JIASHAN ROAD, ZHEJIANG,P.R.CHINA.” So, if I ever get a hankering for a crane, sandblaster or shop press to make my life merrier, I’ll keep Jack in mind.
Judy in China is prepared to sell us masks, as she laments the government has taken over the local business and only allows them to sell masks abroad. “We are new factory which is build quick approved by Chinese local govement in wuxi city according the emergment treament, we have obtained the first disposable medical mask registration certificate of wuxi city?”
Apparently wuxi city computers don’t have spell check.
Remember the fortune cookie that promises you’ll soon receive millions? Well it arrived in the form of an e mail promising $4 million dollars. Apparently an agent in the Atlanta airport found a package left by a London diplomat due to unpaid taxes; he scanned the package and found it was full of several million dollars, and upon further research determined it belonged to me.
Not sure how he found me, as the e mail is addressed only to Mam or Sir. At any rate, he promises that for a small fee along with my banking information he will forward the $4 million.
He says: I am Dr. David Morris, Head Officer-in-Charge, and Administrative Service Inspection Unit United Nations Inspection Agency in Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport Atlanta, Georgia. During our investigation, I discovered an abandoned shipment through a Diplomat from United Kingdom which was transferred from JF Kennedy Airport to our facility here in Atlanta, and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in 2 Metal Trunk Boxes weighing approximately 110kg each.”
Apparently those TSA scanners are able to determine how much cash you have. Maybe I should get a new job.
The offers keep coming. We must get two dozen crazy e mails a day; most now reference COVID masks (from China) and heavy equipment (India and Latavia), and a daily e mail from Dr. Mike, who most recently increased his offer to $150,000,000.00 USD. Dr. Mike now says he represents a “noble family investor” wanting to offer funds. “They are seeking means of expanding and relocating their business interest abroad in the following sectors: oil/Gas, banking, real estate, stock speculation, transportation, health sector and tobacco,” he says.
Apparently all I have to do is respond, send $200, and Dr. Mike promises to get back to me “so we can move forward to give you more information on how to proceed accordingly.”