Dorothy Rosby
Contributing columnist
I’ve always taken comfort in the idea that there are no dumb questions. I have many questions, and if there were such a thing as a dumb one, some of mine might well qualify.
For example, why is caffeine better at keeping us alert at night than it is at keeping us alert during the day?
Why do we feel the urge to kick the furniture after we stub our toes? Or at least, why do I feel the urge to kick the furniture after I stub MY toes?
Why do we heat our homes to 70 in the winter and wear sweaters, then cool our homes to 68 in the summer and wear short sleeves?
Why do we curse the deer then put up plastic ones in our yards?
Why do we complain about the parking, then walk five miles in a mall?
Why does it rain whenever I wash my car? And knowing this, why don’t I wash my car more often?
Who is sending all that spam? And more importantly, who is making it worth their while to send all that spam?
Why do we speak so s-l-o-w-l-y when we record our answering machine greeting, then speak so quickly when we leave our message on other people’s.
If spending our money is good for the economy, why isn’t it good for my economy?
Why don’t people lose dimes and nickels as often as they lose pennies? I find pennies lying around all the time and I wouldn’t mind finding some quarters for a change—or hundred dollar bills.
Does anyone ever win the cash prizes advertised on candy wrappers? I haven’t and I’ve bought a lot of candy.
While we’re on the subject of burning questions, why are they called “burning” questions?
What is real about reality TV?
And speaking of reality, do real people write to advice columnists? If so, how do they know the person they’re griping about won’t read the same column?
Why don’t female celebrities have hips? And why do almost all male celebrities have hair? Are slim hips and hairy heads on the same gene as acting talent?
Why do baseball and football players wear white pants? Clearly they’re not doing their own laundry.
Why isn’t it okay to eat dessert for breakfast, but it is okay to eat chocolate chip muffins and waffles with whipped cream?
Why do women’s magazines put articles like, Have the Best Body of Your LIFE next to the section with recipes for Hardy Cheeseburger Pie and Double Chocolate Chocolate Mousse?
Why is a cheap size 10 the same dimensions as an expensive size 6—and a REALLY expensive size 4? Do we become more delusional when we have more money?
If we laugh at the styles we wore long ago, what makes us think someday we won’t laugh at the styles we’re wearing now?
Why does our hair look its best the day we’re scheduled to have it cut?
Why do children who must be dragged from their beds every day for school wake up on their own at 6 o’clock Saturday morning? And why do they feel the need to alert their parents?
Why is it called a sleepover when no one sleeps except the parents of the child who is away from home?
And finally, if there are no dumb questions, why does everybody smirk when we ask them?
(Dorothy Rosby is the author of the humor book, I Used to Think I Was Not That Bad and Then I Got to Know Me Better. Contact [email protected])